Me: God, why aren't you blessing my womb?
God: You need to heal.
Me: I AM healed.
God: Sure, Jan...
That was my life for ten years. I was 827,390,726% certain that I was right. Which meant what? God was wrong?
Spoiler Alert: He's never wrong.
I spent the last decade believing that I was fully healed from my miscarriage. I also spent the last decade avoiding baby showers, internally sobbing every time I saw a pregnant woman, and telling God I was disappointed whenever someone close to me announced they were expecting. That is not what a completely healed woman looks like. Trauma is real normal. (Too normal sometimes.) Grieving is healthy. Jealousy is not. There's a process for grief and I got stuck somewhere between denial and bargaining, that wasn't quite anger either.
So often we are more concerned with making ourselves feel better than actually feeling how we feel in the moment so we can get to the root of the emotion. I learned that’s where the healing lies.
One of the main reasons my miscarriage hit me so hard is because I had abandonment issues from the very beginning. My family carried the generational curse of abandonment. My strong, masculine, amazing grandfather (RIP) used to have emotional meltdowns about his mother abandoning him and his siblings as children. My mother, his daughter, feels like although she grew up with two parents that she never got the support and love she desired. Therefore, she sought solace in my father- whose photo is in the dictionary under the word, womanizer, so unfortunately he was unable to provide the type of love she needed. My mother also calls her mother by her first name. So I call my mother by her first name. That's all I've ever known. I grew up telling people "I don't have a mom. I have a Tina." That paired with having divorced parents and being raised by mostly my grandparents created a huge void in me. I always felt like I was missing something, a traditional sense of family.
Let me pause to state- there is no perfect family. Every family has its own set of issues and problems.
That void caused me to desperately try to latch on to anything that felt stable. I would try to convince my friends' parents to adopt me (jokingly but half serious), considered joining a sorority, and even became a part of another family in my early twenties. I was feening for a family. So when I got pregnant at age 21, I was beyond excited, despite my companion's lack there of. He later confessed that despite my willingness to raise our child alone and let him off the hook, he prayed I would lose the baby. Well, I did, and for a long time it felt like I also lost myself.
I didn't understand why God would give me a desire if He had no intent of fulfilling it. I thought He was cruel, and TBH a few times questioned if He cared about me at all or if He was even real. Why is the woman that feeds her kids flaming hots and Reese's Cups for breakfast at 2pm blessed with children but the woman that serves faithfully at church and has been believing God for years not? Legit question. According to my best friend of 20 years the answer is that favor is merit based.
We cannot earn what God has already ordained.
As hard of a pill as that was to swallow, I had to agree. I continued to seek God on His will for me and prayed I would find peace no matter what. This is when things got interesting....
One day...more like week I was having a tough time. I had prayed and fasted the month before for God to bless MY womb and my friend got pregnant instead. AND SHE ALREADY HAS A BABY! First I was okay and then, bro... I was heated....then sad....then depressed. I didn't understand. Then I remembered what my BFF said about earning blessings and merit. It helped for a day and I was back to square one. Someone must have been praying for me because a shift happened. I knew it wasn't God's will for me to feel that way so I confessed to another friend about how I was feeling. She came right over to my house that day and prayed for me. Afterwards, she felt led to call her spiritual mother based out of ATL and the fire came down!
This woman prophesied my whole life to me, and my husband's life! She said that I wasn't studying my Word enough, and there were things God wanted to develop in me, my husband and my marriage before He blessed us with a baby. I was low-key offended, because....pride. Deep down, I knew she was right. She also said that if I was obedient, I would grow leaps and bounds in the next season. And that she saw a son in my future. | was like "a boy?! I want a girl" but I digress. Anyway,I started getting in my Word more. Sounds great but it wasn't. My motives were off. I was doing the work I thought I needed to do so I could get pregnant. I knew. God knew. But Him being Him, He accepted my raggedy self anyway.
Then my world shifted. Luis and I got into a really big fight that changed the dynamic of our relationship. We went two weeks without talking. My bags were packed. I was about to leave.
I told God if this doesn't get resolved by Friday, I'm out. Wednesday we argued again and I left.
I got two blocks from the house, when he called and said, "please come home." We talked and vented and heard each other out until we felt we were good. We implemented weekly check ins and other tools to alleviate the situation happening again. Remembering the prophesy I was stunned.
I couldn't imagine taking a child through that trauma. I was thankful that God was allowing us the time to sort through issues we didn't even know we had. A week later we got into a car accident on Thanksgiving. With Luis driving for Lyft, this was devastating. Also, we could have died.
The accident following the fight brought a closeness and appreciated for each other that we needed. We were refueled for each other, and stuck in the house with no car and nothing to do but bow chica wow wow. lol It wasn't about, "let's make a baby". It was that "I love you" love. The following week my husband was let go from his job. Recap: Big fight. Car accident aka Lose source of income. Then lose second source of income. I needed God more than ever. I leaned into Him in a way that I hadn't before. This wasn't like before when I was doing it to get pregnant. I was spending time with Him because I needed and wanted Him-not wanting a blessing but Him. I needed guidance and peace from the Holy Spirit.
How will we survive?
What do I do?
How do I nurse a husband with a broken spirit?
Lessons I needed to learn. For the first time in years, my focus was not on trying to get pregnant. It was still a desire but I KNEW I needed to develop in other areas. A few weeks prior to the car accident, I accepted a part time nanny job. THIS WAS NOTHING BUT GOD. Old Porchea would NEVER have accepted a job working for a healthy, happy family. Oh no! That would only remind me of everything I didn't have. New-spiritual growth spurt Porchea-Londone was open for whatever God had for her. When I tell you guys, this family has helped me grow, and been a blessing to my life!!!! I love those 3 kids like my own. The youngest calls me "mama" The first time he said it , my heart fluttered like when your crush asks you out on a date. "Me? I'm mom?" I told his real mom because ...boundaries and she totally embraced it. She was just happy her son felt so comfortable with me. I was an answered prayer for their family.
Speaking of the mom, she runs a business that creates events, and content for, you guessed it MOMS. She asked if I would help her plan her next two events and assist with some other branding projects. Again, old me-NO WAY. "New me" was totally excited to help my friend, and moms. I genuinely wanted to see her vision manifest and help create a atmosphere of value and support for these women. It felt so good to be FREE!!
I didn't know how bound I was until I experienced freedom.
Putting myself in what used to be uncomfortable situations helped me stretch. I have taking the spiritual and figurative stretching to a new level and started actually stretching via yoga. The quiet, the stillness and the breathing is all so refreshing from feeling congested, bound and stuck. I'm so thankful for a God that doesn't give up on us. And that He can breathe new life in desolate situations. The traditional "happy ending" would be that I get pregnant, but the reality is that, despite my understanding, that doesn't happen for everyone. Another reality is that God is still writing my story. He really took 2018 to introduce me to myself. I didn't get free until I surrendered. Hopefully, it doesn't take you as long as it took me to experience true freedom. If you're still grieving from your own loss, don't be afraid to ask for help.
Friends and family are great, but sometimes you're not ready to be vulnerable or they don't understand. I had a great support system at my church and online forums. Another friend also connected me with March of Dimes and a support group through a hospital. It was great connecting with women that had experienced the same tragedy. Whatever it is you are facing know that there is always a brighter day coming. It is cold, and wintery in my city right now as I write this, but I am certain by July and August the snow will be gone and warmer days will be present. Trust in God for your future. I'm also a great sounding board. firstname.lastname@example.org