I was in church and the presence of God was super heavy, per usual. I heard His voice clear as day, "The Good Girl Chronicles. This is your outlet, your healing process and the freedom you've been longing for."
The words and revelations flooded my mind. I've always been a good girl, but viewed that as a bad thing. I'm usually early or on time for everything, I'm always willing to help others as best I can (even at my own expense), I didn't get into a lot of trouble as a kid, I'm quick to apologize, and the list goes on. It has been often highlighted to me about being quiet and more reserved nature. I'm not shy but I'm soft spoken. I wasted a lot of time trying to coach myself out of my personality to be what I thought I should be. My dad used to say, "Why are you so timid? You're a Leo so you're supposed to be mean.". So I tried being mean. It wasn't me. I couldn't be cold or cruel to others when I knew how it felt. My mom is and always has been a very strong person with an aggressive personality. When she doesn't like something, YOU WILL KNOW. She birthed me when she was 16 so since she was still a kid herself, it often led me to becoming the victim of her aggression. This caused me to be extremely timid and afraid. I said yes to everything for fear of disappointing people and having them not like me.
Now that I'm older, I see that I was seeking validation from a broken place in my childhood. I didn't think my mom liked me so anytime anyone got upset with me, I reverted back to this pusillanimous person craving to be accepted.
No matter how much I tried to help others and be a good person I still ended up feel outcasted. I was so afraid to say "no", but nothing was ever good enough. I always felt like I needed to do more so everyone would like me. It was exhausting!! So I started to seek clarity. The real reason I felt isolated and was questioning my own worth linked back to insecurity. People are so afraid to admit that they have insecurities because it is viewed as weak, but the real is we all have them. I was confident in myself, but insecure about how others viewed me. So I asked myself, "why does it matter? Why do I need to prove myself?". I was clearly trying to fill a void!! I needed to be reminded that my value was solidified on the cross. Use discernment but don’t grow weary in well doing.
The devil is a liar! Ignore him. Replace his lies with God’s truth. When you hear, "They don't like you.", that translates to "I'm not good enough." That's a lie! God says He loves and you were worth sacrificing His only Son. (John 3:16) Retrain your thoughts to align with God's word.
Also, check your motive. Are you soley trying to gain? Hurt people hurt people. We are often so caught up in protecting ourselves that we hurt others in the process. I was an empty person trying to use works to gain affirmation. Find your tribe and thrive. Trusting God's process takes the pressure off yourself and others. Never rely on people to understand or determine your value. We are equipped to operate as a community, but no one on Earth can carry the weight of your worth. There's promise in kindness. We live in an era that values emotional distance, throwing shade and offense. None of that is cool! There's something to be said for those that treat God's people well. I'm glad God gave me a heart for His children and a gentle nature that allows others to feel comfortable around me. Being a good girl has lead me to being God's girl. I'm His daughter so if He loves, I love. If there has ever been a situation where I needed to create space between me and another person, He has given me revelation. He formed me and knew I would be a light in the darkness. People need authenticity and love.
I see my goodness as an honor and not a weakness; a blessing and not a curse.
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