I used to brag about how I was never that “boy crazy” girl that planned her wedding and had her engagement ring picked out. Granted, I was neither obsessed nor concerned about becoming someone’s wife but I was absolutely fixated with becoming a mother. Even when I was single. If I’m going to be completely honest, I was planning my children’s names before I was even old enough to ovulate. Flash forward to me at age 26, happily married, working a job I hated, living in a hotel and guess what? Trying to get pregnant. It sounds crazy, right?!?! My husband would try to talk some sense into me almost daily. I would cry and accuse him of not wanting to see me happy. When he would grow tired of my ridiculousness, I would move onto the next person, my cousin Kenice. She had gotten married a few months before I did and was trying to conceive also. The difference between she and I was that she had a home, extra income, a car etc. More importantly, her and her husband were on one accord. She was ready for a baby. She would tell me “I think you should focus on getting a new place and your car then try.” My response would be, “Once I get pregnant, I have 9 months!”. Dumb, dumb and dumb!
In addition to being discouraged by not being pregnant, I experienced very painful monthly cycles. I would lie on my bedroom floor in agony while my husband rubbed my back and prayed for the pain to leave. During my daily quiet time with God, I would say to Him “ Lord, I don’t mean to question you but I don’t understand. Not only won’t you allow me to get pregnant right now, I have to experience all this physical pain. What did I do to deserve this?” I felt like I wasn’t getting an answer. I was beyond frustrated.
I felt suffocated by babies and pregnancy. Everywhere I turned someone was asking me, “When are you guys going to have a baby?” “You’ve been married a while now. I’m ready for a mini-Porchea or mini Luis”. Or God forbid, I look a little bloated in a photo, social media would go crazy with comments and direct messages suggesting a bun in the oven and asking if I was pregnant. I would literally have private panic attacks about it because I felt like I had no escape. I didn’t know how to make it stop. Then one day it dawned on me, stay off social media. I fasted from Facebook for 30 days. It was actually really calming. I felt like I could breathe again. I got a new job (my boss was pregnant) and had a lead on a great apartment. Things were finally starting to look up. The day my fast was over, I logged into Facebook to over 200 notifications and tons of inbox messages on various things. I decided to scroll through my newsfeed before checking notifications or messages. The first thing I see is my aunt’s status: “My daughter just called to tell me that I am going to be a grandmother”. My heart dropped and shattered into a zillion pieces. My eyes welled up with an ocean of tears. Just then, my phone chimed. It was Kenice. I declined her call and texted her “I just saw it on Facebook. Congratulations. I’m at work. I will call you back later”. I wasn’t at work and I didn’t call her back. She would call or text me and I would continuously tell her I was busy. I felt terrible but I couldn’t handle talking to her.
One day I realized that I needed to move past my own feelings and genuinely be happy for her. That meant being there for her during her special time. I called her and I was very open about my feelings. I told her I was jealous. We had always done everything together and there was nothing I could do about this. I didn’t understand how God could allow me to be left out while (seemingly) everyone was getting pregnant. Thank God she understood how I felt and encouraged me to keep praying. That was semi-helpful. I still felt shaded and neglected by God. I didn’t start to feel better until I had a very fruitful heart to heart with good friend. She told me about how she experienced the same feelings a year prior when Kenice and I got married. She had two children with her then-boyfriend and he still hadn’t married her. (They are married now and have since then had twins). That really put things in perspective for me. Here I was thinking she had it all. Sometimes we want something so bad, we begin to idolize the lives of others. That is so dangerous because 1. You don’t know what they are going through. 2. It causes you to start resenting them, sometimes unknowingly.
Still feeling left out, I decided to look online for support groups. I treaded lightly and scanned chat rooms to find the right one for me. Instead I made a life-changing discovery. I was being a brat. There were women charting and checking temperatures of things I had never heard of. They would have laughed in my face if they knew I wasn’t even checking my ovulation status. I was just kind of winging with the hubby and hoping for the best. I had put this thing on me that wasn’t even mine to claim (and rebuked it later). I wasn’t barren (Praise The Lord!!). I was impatient. I made a trip to my doctor for an ultrasound for confirmation. He told me that I had an ovarian cyst that was causing all of my monthly pain and two tiny fibroids in my uterus but he assured me that they were both very common and nothing to worry about. And most importantly gave me the go ahead to start TTC. Instead of focusing on how to TTC, I began to change my diet to insure my fibroids didn’t get bigger.
I would go through phases where I would be okay and focused on other things. Then there would be times where times where I was planning the layout on how to turn our extra bedroom into nursery. The craziest part is no one but my husband knew how obsessed I was. To my family, friends and social media homies, I was loving married life, focused on my career and not thinking about having a baby. It hit me like a ton of Louboutins one day, “That’s what you should be doing!”. There’s so much life to be had. I had never been on a vacation. I wanted to start a blog, write a book and preach the word of God around the world. God wasn’t punishing me by not allowing me to get pregnant yet, it was a blessing. I had an assignment to fulfill. If I had children they would be my complete focus and I would never accomplish my purpose. Now, my daily prayers are thanking God for knowing much better than I do.
I wrote this is 2015. We still are not actively trying to conceive. My husband requested that we take some time to enjoy being married without struggle, travel etc. I respect and submit to that. When the time comes, I will definitely share with you all!!!